By Tabasom Eblaghie, RCC

Did you know that sleep difficulties are both a cause AND an effect of mood problems?

Stress and depression disrupt our sleep, but lack of sleep also LEADS to depression and anxiety.

Here are a few tips for improved sleep:

1) Avoid over the counter sleeping medication – the type of sleep you get with OTC medications is not as helpful as normal sleep. Many people feel groggy the next day and not as rested. If you must take a sleeping pill, research shows that medication prescribed by a doctor for a short period of time results in better sleep. You could also try a chamomile tea infused with POWDERED MAGNESIUM for muscle relaxation (please consult your doctor before taking any supplements).

2) Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. When we go to bed at different times during the day, it can easily disrupt our 24-hour cycle, making us feel jet-lagged. If you are experiencing depression, precise bedtimes are a necessary part of life. Set a standard time to wake up using an alarm clock, preferably across the room so that you have to stand up and turn it off.

3) Start preparing for sleep about an hour before bed-time – avoid exercise, heavy meals and bright light.

4) The temperature of the room is important – 18 to 21 degrees Celsius. Block out bright lights from the street with blinds or curtains, and wear earplugs if noise is an issue.

5) For three weeks, write down three things you’re grateful for that day – make sure that they are not the three things you’ve written down previously. By the end of 21 days, you’ll have 66 moments of gratitude to visit and enjoy. You would also have strengthened the habit of positive thoughts, and focused on the good moments in your life, which helps you fall asleep with less anxiety.

6) Say your prayers, or meditate before going to bed – worry and negative thoughts can keep us up all night. Letting go and having faith in a greater Power than ourselves has been shown to allow us to practice gratitude and acceptance in our lives, thus releasing the negative voice of anxiety.

If you’ve felt sad or anxious lately, please call to see if counselling is a good option for you at this point in your life. Please call Tabasom at 604.889.3635 or email tabasom@generatehope.ca

By Tabasom Eblaghie, RCC

My name is Courage.

I am always with you.  I travel wherever you go, silently and quietly in the background.

I live in your loving heart. Within your wise mind. Your strong intuition.

I gently hold your hand and pull you to move away from fear, its lies and bad advice.

I walk with you in your journey away from the havoc that worry tries to inflict on to your imagination.

I patiently listen to fear’s irrational and menacing dialogue, and inject my stories of strength and determination as a counter measure.

Listen to me. Pay attention to me.

My voice, at first, may seem small and weak. With action on your part AGAINST the advice of fear, my voice grows stronger and is clearly heard. And witnessed by others.

I come to life when fear is felt, but fear is ignored.

I am here. Walk towards me. Once you do, you will meet my friends, Motivation, Hope and Self-respect. We are eagerly waiting for you.

Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

Choose me. Choose us.

If you’ve been visited by fear or anxiety lately, counselling may help bring courage back into your life. Please call Tabasom at 604.889.3635 or email tabasom@generatehope.ca

By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor

Dr. David Burns, in his book “The Feeling Good Handbook” writes about the disarming technique and categorizes is as one of the most difficult and most powerful listening skills. What is the disarming technique? Very simple (and yet VERY hard).You have to find some truth in what your partner/friend is saying and agree with them, even if you think what they are saying is wrong.

It has a profound and sudden calming effect because it takes the wind out of the other person’s sails. This technique opens doors as both will be open to listening to each other’s points of view. Rather than anger and defensiveness being in charge, YOU will be in charge, and true communication can then happen. You MUST be genuine in your agreement or it may backfire!

EXAMPLE:
“You’re always late and I’m sick of waiting for you!”
Response: “It’s true. I am late and you have a right to be angry.”

“You’re so emotional about things! You are so irrational!”
Response: “I agree with you. I often overreact and it turns out later I wasn’t being realistic.”

Remember that there’s always a grain of truth in what the other person is saying even if it sounds obnoxious and insulting. Most people get unreasonable because they think that nobody’s really listening or caring about what they’re trying to say. When you resist the urge to argue or defend yourself and you instead agree with the other person, you will both end up winning because they will also be more open to your point of view.

Sometimes we have to let go and perhaps “lose” in order for the relationship to win. If I want respect, I must give it. If I wanted to be heard, I must listen.

Epictetus stated nearly 2000 years ago, “If someone criticizes you, agree with them at once. Tell them that if only they knew you well, they would not bother to criticize only that!”

One caveat to be aware of is that when we disarm someone and agree with criticism, it is important to still maintain our self esteem and nobility! Humour would come in very handy here!

Feeling heard, understood and loved is at the core of a loving relationship. Often arguments, irritation at our partner or anger arises when we feel unheard. If you have been experiencing these issues in your relationship, perhaps its time to seek counselling before its too late. To make an appointment with Tabasom, please call (604)889-3635.

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“….Happiness is not a good goal for life or marriage. A much better goal is GROWTH, and one of the byproducts of growth is happiness.” – Henry Cloud

Growth requires movement away from immaturity. Henry Cloud writes that when one spouse is immature, the other “feels like a burdened and resentful parent of a selfish child”.

He lists some of the most common immature attitudes:

1) Detaching ourselves(or stonewalling as per John Gottman) – one partner detaches themselves mentally or focuses on other things making the partner feel alone and disconnected.

2) Control – this is when we try to get our partner to do things our way by using intimidation, aggression, shame, guilt or manipulation.

3) Irresponsibility – this is when we see the characteristics of being undependable and unreliable. Infidelity is another form of this immaturity.

4) Self-centeredness – as adults, we have to learn how to step out of our own point of view and have a sense of the other person.

In moving towards growth, we need to focus on developing skills in being aware of what is “good for the marriage” and not just what is “good for me”. It requires an awareness of how our words affect our partner, and how timing is very important to dealing with issues. It involves moving from a “me” to a “we” mentality.

Spend a few moments on what growth means to you. What have you done in your relationship to move away from immaturity as listed above? What do you need to let go of in order to enjoy a more healthy relationship?

The above are some of the questions considered in counselling. Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca for more information.

Please note that Tabasom does phone and Internet counselling sessions as well. Her Skype ID is tabasom.eblaghie.

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“Either do wrong, or feel guilty, but don’t do both; it’s too much work.”
~ Rudolph Dreikurs

Regret and remorse are normal feelings when you make mistakes or do something that is hurtful to someone else. These are the emotions that help us make changes in our behaviour and grow as an individual.

“Guilt feelings” go beyond regret and remorse. It’s labeling yourself a bad person because of what you did (or didn’t really do).

Guilt feelings result in unwanted feelings and behaviours, rather than the development of new behaviours.

Guilt is often a substitute for change. Sometimes guilt leads to action even if the purpose of the action is to enable you to feel better and not benefit the person you’ve wronged.

Guilt has several purposes:

1. Punishing yourself
2. Defy obligation
3. Show superiority
4. Protects us from strong feelings of anger
5. Express “Good intentions we really don’t have” (Rudolph Dreikurs)
6. Motivate positive change

Beliefs/Thoughts that make us guilt prone:

1. I must be perfect
2. I must please others
3. I must be right
4. I must be in control
5. I must help others
6. I can’t stand it when people are angry with me
7. I must be successful
8. I am inferior to others

To get rid of the guilts we must choose new inner dialogue and ditch “absolutes” and those statements of self-condemnation. McKay and Dinkmeyer suggest the following:

“I made a mistake. It is definitely unfortunate but not awful. I am not worthless for making a mistake although I wish I hadn’t. I will correct it.”

“Boyd was upset with me because I failed to do what he wanted. I’m sorry but I can’t please him all the time. Perhaps his expectations were unrealistic.”

“I wish I hadn’t hurt Susan’s feelings. It was unfortunate but it’s not unforgivable. Sometimes I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut but it’s not true that I never know.”

How can I stop feeling guilty?

1. Examine the purpose of your guilt. Finish the sentence: “I am guilty of….”
2. Analyze your beliefs and thoughts – look for language of absolutes “should”, “must”, “awful”, “always”, “never”, etc.
3. Choose new thoughts – use words like “I wish”, “unfortunate”, “I’m ok”. Practice saying your new thoughts to yourself until guilt diminishes.
4. Decide on a line of action – a) continue to feel guilty or b) make a commitment to new behaviour. What will I do differently next time?

If guilt feelings have been in your life for a long time, now may be a good time to talk to a counsellor to gain more tools to let go of this friend/enemy in your life. Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca for more information.

Please note that Tabasom does phone and Internet counselling sessions as well. Her Skype ID is tabasom.eblaghie.

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(Adapted from article written by Alan D. Wolfelt, 1991)

1) Move towards your grief and heal
You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Grief is a process, not an event . It’s ok to cry and express your sadness. Not just ok but necessary.

2) Realize your grief is unique
No one will grieve in exactly the same way that you do. You will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people . Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

3) Talk about your grief
Express your grief openly. By sharing, healing will occur. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Allow yourself to speak from y our heart and not just from your head. Avoid people who are critical of you or tell you to be happy. You have a right to express your grief.

4) Expect to feel a multitude of emotions
Experiencing loss affects your head, heart and spirit. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. They are all normal and healthy. Grief attacks which may overwhelm you are a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

5) Allow for numbness
Feeling dazed or numb is often part of your early grief experience. It serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

6) Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits
Your feelings of loss may leave you fatigued. You may experience low fatigue, and you may need to slow down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

7) Develop a support system
Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings: both happy and sad.

8) Embrace your spirituality
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. If you are angry at God, realize that this is a normal part of your grief work. Surround yourself with people who share your religious beliefs.

9) Allow a search for meaning
Search for the meaning of why someone died is a normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers, and some don’t. The healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions , not necessarily in answering them.

10) Treasure your memories
Memories are the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them and share them with friends and family. Keep pictures on table tops and speak of your loved one.

Please call me, Tabasom, today at (604) 889-3635 to find out whether counselling is a safe option for you at this time.

Please note that I do phone and Internet counselling sessions as well. My Skype ID is tabasom.eblaghie.

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Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, many abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence or abuse in a physical form, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse. Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married, living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you, it is indicative of abuse and should not be kept a secret. This problem will only escalate in silence and further isolation will occur.

Some warning signs include:

▪ Pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
▪ Threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
▪ Threatening suicide to get you to do something
▪ Using or threatening to use a weapon against you
▪ Keeping or taking your paycheck and controlling your bank account
▪ Puts you down or makes you feel bad
▪ Forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
▪ Keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
▪ Slowly isolating you from your family and cutting off all ties
▪ Making you feel as though YOU are the problem and bringing in a lot of doubt about whether you are actually being abused.

You don’t need to suffer in silence. There are many resources and services out there. Your first step is to reach out and talk to someone.

Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca for more information.

Please note that Tabasom does phone and Internet counselling sessions as well. Her Skype ID is tabasom.eblaghie

Do you have a moment frozen in time, that still haunts you and brings back deep emotional pain?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a wonderful technique that has helped many suffering from trauma and emotional scars.

What is EMDR?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with bilateral eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation. One of the key elements of EMDR is “dual stimulation.” During treatment, you are asked to think or talk about memories, triggers, and painful emotions while simultaneously focusing on your therapist’s moving finger or another form of bilateral stimuli. In a typical EMDR therapy session, you focus on traumatic memories and associated negative emotions and beliefs while tracking your therapist’s moving finger with your eyes as it moves back and forth across your field of vision. Other forms of external stimuli that may be used in EMDR therapy include bilateral tactile sensations and sounds (e.g. alternating hand taps or a chime that pans back and forth from ear to ear).

How does EMDR therapy work?

At the time of a traumatic event, strong emotions interfere with our ability to completely process the experience and one moment becomes “frozen in time.” Recalling the traumatic event may feel as though the person is reliving the event all over again because the images, smells, sounds, and feelings are still there and can be triggered in the present. When activated, these memories cause a negative impact on our daily functioning and interfere with the way we see ourselves and our world, and how we relate to others.

EMDR therapy appears to directly affect the brain, “unfreezing” the traumatic memories, allowing you to resolve them. Over time the disturbing memory and associated beliefs, feelings, sensations become “digested” or worked through until you are able to think about the event without reliving it. The memory is still there, but it is less upsetting.

The exact mechanism for the effectiveness of EMDR is yet unknown. It appears that using rapid eye movements relieves the anxiety associated with the trauma so that the original event can be examined from a more detached perspective, somewhat like watching a movie of what happened. This enables you to access positive ways of reframing the original trauma (reprocessing), and to release the body’s stored negative emotional charges around it (desensitization). Some experts have noted that the eye movements involved in EMDR might be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. It may be thought of as a physiologically-based therapy that allows a person to see material in a new and less distressing way. Others believe it reactivates parts of the brain that were “shut down” as a coping mechanism. In this way cognitive reorganizing takes place, allowing the negative, painful emotions to give way to more resolved, empowered feelings.

EMDR is extremely helpful for victims of rape and sexual molestation. Those who are still in a state of grief and loss over the death of loved ones have also reported relief from the looped images and negative internal talk. EMDR also helps those suffering from anxiety, depression or those living with a serious illness.

Please call Tabasom at 604-889-3635 to discuss whether EMDR will be helpful to you.

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Watch Tabasom Eblaghie on CTV news talking about Secondary Trauma

What is Secondary Trauma and have I been affected as a result of the Earthquake & Tsunami in Japan? 
By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Generate Hope Counselling Services

After watching the news for a few days and clearly witnessing the horror and trauma of the people of Japan, its hard to avoid the feelings of deep pain, anxiety, helplessness & anxiety. We do know about trauma but few talk about the effects of vicarious trauma.

Secondary or vicarious trauma can occur when you see or hear about a traumatic event, and even if it didn’t happen to you, the effects are felt as though it did.

Our society is changing – we are all becoming reporters and journalists of our own lives. No one could capture the images that are coming out of Japan as well as those who actually went through it. Like never before we are seeing very graphic images of what happened. It makes it that much more real for us, like we were right there with the victims of the earthquake and the tsunami. The screaming of the victims, and their terror seeps into every image and video and our nervous system reacts as though we were right there with them.

Who is at risk?

Anyone can become vicariously traumatized through seeing and hearing about traumatic events. The effect may be more on individuals with:

1) A past history of unresolved trauma – the images may serve as a trigger
2) Friends and family living in the area
3) Those whose lives feel out of balance at the present moment, or are experiencing a sense of isolation.

What are the symptoms we should look for?

* Do you have intrusive thoughts of the event, even when you didn’t mean to think about it?
* Are you re-playing the horror of it over and over again in your head?
* Disturbed sleep
* Digestion problems
* Anger
* Anxiety
* Depression and sadness
* Emotional exhaustion
* Trouble making decisions
* Difficulty concentrating
* Difficulty remembering things
* Increase in addictive behaviors
* Withdrawing & isolation from loved ones and friends

Secondary trauma affects those who are sensitive and kind and should not be thought of as a sign of weakness.

What can we do to reduce the effects of vicarious trauma? When life gets out of control, that’s when we need to slow down and figure out what is actually in our control and take action.

Here are a few suggestions:

1) We can talk to others. Reach out to our loved ones, friends and co-workers. Therapy is also another way of dealing with the grief & trauma.

2) Reduce number of hours spent watching the news and select our news channel wisely. Some stations are more prone to fast paced language and terror schemes to horrify and scare us.

3) Stop watching all news at a reasonable time at night so that our mind and body has time to wind down and relax. Watching news until right before bed may deeply affect our sleep and general feeling of well-being.

4) Going outside for some fresh air. Deep breathing and a quick walk will do wonders for reducing anxiety and tension.

5) Exercise! Half an hour of exercise is the equivalent of taking an anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressant.

6) Appreciate our lives. There is so much to be grateful for, even if it’s as simple as the fresh air we breathe or the clean water that we enjoy.

7) Pray. We can’t forget our spiritual side.

8) Eat & drink healthy. It becomes very easy to reach for “unhealthy” snacks or drinks when we are under stress, which will make us crash and burn. Reach for healthy fruits and vegetables, and drink lots of water.

9) Nurture those relationships that are important to you. Having that sense of belonging and shared understanding of the trauma will leave us feeling more balanced and in control.

10) Volunteer or donate money to reputable organizations that are helping those in need. By reaching out and giving rather than going inwards and isolating ourselves, we can maintain better mental health.

To make an appointment for a counselling session with Tabasom, please call (604)889-3635.

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Click here to view the article.

Facebook group defends men in alleged gang rape

CTV British Columbia News – September 20, 2010

As thousands flock to a Facebook group supporting a 16-year-old alleged gang rape victim from B.C., an opposing group has formed to question the veracity of her claims.

More than 7,200 people have joined the “Support for 16yr old victim in Pitt Meadows” group since it was created on Thursday, many offering kind words to the girl police believe was sexually assaulted at a rave party on Sept. 10.

“I hate with all my being what happened to you,” Coralee Wiseman wrote. “All I can say is that you will move on from this a stronger woman and you will be whole again.”

But an opposing group, “Reasonable doubt in Pitt Meadows,” has also formed. Its description says it is “for the people who have yet to jump on the bandwagon headed out to lynch the men/boys involved.”

“The police believe they have physical and medical evidence, but there is a difference between evidence used to arrest and evidence used to convict and the judicial process will determine what evidence there is and what it means,” it reads.

Several members have claimed the girl voluntarily took drugs, lied to police and agreed to have sex with multiple partners.

Police have adamantly denied the sex was consensual. Insp. Derren Lench told reporters at a Friday press conference that “it’s very clear from her physical injuries and her recollection of it and the evidence that we’ve collected that she was not a willing participant.”

“It’s very clear she was raped by more than one individual and there was no consent at all.”

Police believe the girl was under the influence of drugs, but are awaiting the results of a toxicology report to determine what kind.

The girl’s father says she has gone back to school. Teen counselor Tabasom Eblaghie says it’s important for teachers and faculty to ensure her return is bearable.

School staff must watch over the alleged victim to ensure “there is an atmosphere of respect and that she can maintain her dignity,” Eblaghie said.

“It might be good to bring an outsider in to provide perhaps information and education for the teachers, for the students, to be able to understand where she’s coming from.”

Meanwhile, authorities have been desperately trying to have photos of the incident that were posted online, and which constitute child pornography, scrubbed from the internet.

They have been collaborating with technical crime experts in Ottawa and Facebook staff directly, but say there’s an uphill battle ahead and the photos may remain on the internet forever.

With a report from CTV British Columbia’s Julia Foy

To make an appointment for an individual or couples counselling session, please call Tabasom directly at (604)889-3635.