“Either do wrong, or feel guilty, but don’t do both; it’s too much work.”
~ Rudolph Dreikurs
Regret and remorse are normal feelings when you make mistakes or do something that is hurtful to someone else. These are the emotions that help us make changes in our behaviour and grow as an individual.
“Guilt feelings” go beyond regret and remorse. It’s labeling yourself a bad person because of what you did (or didn’t really do).
Guilt feelings result in unwanted feelings and behaviours, rather than the development of new behaviours.
Guilt is often a substitute for change. Sometimes guilt leads to action even if the purpose of the action is to enable you to feel better and not benefit the person you’ve wronged.
Guilt has several purposes:
- Punishing yourself
- Defy obligation
- Show superiority
- Protects us from strong feelings of anger
- Express “Good intentions we really don’t have” (Rudolph Dreikurs)
- Motivate positive change
Beliefs/Thoughts that make us guilt prone:
- I must be perfect
- I must please others
- I must be right
- I must be in control
- I must help others
- I can’t stand it when people are angry with me
- I must be successful
- I am inferior to others
To get rid of the guilts we must choose new inner dialogue and ditch “absolutes” and those statements of self-condemnation. McKay and Dinkmeyer suggest the following:
“I made a mistake. It is definitely unfortunate but not awful. I am not worthless for making a mistake although I wish I hadn’t. I will correct it.”
“Boyd was upset with me because I failed to do what he wanted. I’m sorry but I can’t please him all the time. Perhaps his expectations were unrealistic.”
“I wish I hadn’t hurt Susan’s feelings. It was unfortunate but it’s not unforgivable. Sometimes I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut but it’s not true that I never know.”
How can I stop feeling guilty?
- Examine the purpose of your guilt. Finish the sentence: “I am guilty of….”
- Analyze your beliefs and thoughts – look for language of absolutes “should”, “must”, “awful”, “always”, “never”, etc.
- Choose new thoughts – use words like “I wish”, “unfortunate”, “I’m ok”. Practice saying your new thoughts to yourself until guilt diminishes.
- Decide on a line of action – a) continue to feel guilty or b) make a commitment to new behaviour. What will I do differently next time?
If guilt feelings have been in your life for a long time, now may be a good time to talk to a counsellor to gain more tools to let go of this friend/enemy in your life. Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca for more information.
Please note that Tabasom does phone and Internet counselling sessions as well. Her Skype ID is tabasom.eblaghie.
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