“….Happiness is not a good goal for life or marriage. A much better goal is GROWTH, and one of the byproducts of growth is happiness.” – Henry Cloud
Growth requires movement away from immaturity. Henry Cloud writes that when one spouse is immature, the other “feels like a burdened and resentful parent of a selfish child”.
He lists some of the most common immature attitudes:
1) Detaching ourselves(or stonewalling as per John Gottman) – one partner detaches themselves mentally or focuses on other things making the partner feel alone and disconnected.
2) Control – this is when we try to get our partner to do things our way by using intimidation, aggression, shame, guilt or manipulation.
3) Irresponsibility – this is when we see the characteristics of being undependable and unreliable. Infidelity is another form of this immaturity.
4) Self-centeredness – as adults, we have to learn how to step out of our own point of view and have a sense of the other person.
In moving towards growth, we need to focus on developing skills in being aware of what is “good for the marriage” and not just what is “good for me”. It requires an awareness of how our words affect our partner, and how timing is very important to dealing with issues. It involves moving from a “me” to a “we” mentality.
Spend a few moments on what growth means to you. What have you done in your relationship to move away from immaturity as listed above? What do you need to let go of in order to enjoy a more healthy relationship?
The above are some of the questions considered in counselling. Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca for more information.
Please note that Tabasom does phone and Internet counselling sessions as well. Her Skype ID is tabasom.eblaghie.
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