By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Dr. David Burns, in his book “The Feeling Good Handbook” writes about the disarming technique and categorizes is as one of the most difficult and most powerful listening skills. What is the disarming technique? Very simple (and yet VERY hard).You have to find some truth in what your partner/friend is saying and agree with them, even if you think what they are saying is wrong.
It has a profound and sudden calming effect because it takes the wind out of the other person’s sails. This technique opens doors as both will be open to listening to each other’s points of view. Rather than anger and defensiveness being in charge, YOU will be in charge, and true communication can then happen. You MUST be genuine in your agreement or it may backfire!
EXAMPLE:
“You’re always late and I’m sick of waiting for you!”
Response: “It’s true. I am late and you have a right to be angry.”
“You’re so emotional about things! You are so irrational!”
Response: “I agree with you. I often overreact and it turns out later I wasn’t being realistic.”
Remember that there’s always a grain of truth in what the other person is saying even if it sounds obnoxious and insulting. Most people get unreasonable because they think that nobody’s really listening or caring about what they’re trying to say. When you resist the urge to argue or defend yourself and you instead agree with the other person, you will both end up winning because they will also be more open to your point of view.
Sometimes we have to let go and perhaps “lose” in order for the relationship to win. If I want respect, I must give it. If I wanted to be heard, I must listen.
Epictetus stated nearly 2000 years ago, “If someone criticizes you, agree with them at once. Tell them that if only they knew you well, they would not bother to criticize only that!”
One caveat to be aware of is that when we disarm someone and agree with criticism, it is important to still maintain our self esteem and nobility! Humour would come in very handy here!
Feeling heard, understood and loved is at the core of a loving relationship. Often arguments, irritation at our partner or anger arises when we feel unheard. If you have been experiencing these issues in your relationship, perhaps its time to seek counselling before its too late. To make an appointment with Tabasom, please call (604)889-3635.
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