By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor

When Worry visits us, it brings into our lives frightening “what if” situations, which keep being re-played again and again. Worry makes us play these little ‘movie clips’ until a particularly horrific moment, and then it makes us rewind and start all over again. It doesn’t allow us to see past the worst point of the story or achieve resolution.

To combat the negative influence of Worry, write down the topic and the sequence of thoughts that it brings into your life. Write down all the details up to the point where the movie stops and then FINISH the story. What would happen next? And then what? Who would come to your assistance? Then what?

Face the worst of it. Finish the story until you reach a point of resolution.

We have been built to be adaptable. When we are given tests and tribulations, God also gives with it a measure of patience to deal with the situation. When we worry about things which haven’t happened yet, that measure of patience is not present, and everything seems MUCH worse.

Move away from Worry’s lies, and away from “wasted suffering”. We suffer enough without having to go through the wasted suffering of things that haven’t even happened yet!

If Worry has been visiting you more than often, please call to discuss whether counselling would be beneficial to you. Call Tabasom at (604)889-3635.

By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor

Flexibility is defined in the dictionary as being “capable of bending easily without breaking”, and “ready and able to change as to adapt to different circumstances”.

In a marriage, when we practice flexibility, we have a go-with-the-flow mentality, able to see the opportunity and choices in the various challenges that face us as a couple. We don’t insist on our own opinions, and on always being right. Rather, we are open to hearing the opinions of our spouse, and seeing things from another perspective than just our own. We are willing to make changes to habits that negatively influence our lives, and recognizing when growth is needed. We welcome change, and have the ability to let go when things are beyond our control.

When rigidity exists, we may see one spouse over-exerting their control and influence over the other. One spouse feels marginalized by the other, and friendship is difficult to maintain if we’re always in the ‘inferior’ position.

When I was about to get married, my wonderful mother-in-law told my husband-to-be and I that our marriage is a like a rubber band. When one pulls, the other must let go – we must take turns leading, because if we were to both insist on our own ideas ALL the time, the rubber band would eventually weaken and break.

That analogy stayed with us.

Deferring to the other person does NOT mean ‘losing’. It does not mean that you are weaker, and the other is stronger. It simply means that there is respect, love, kindness, equity and flexibility in the marriage. We can decide as a couple which one of us knows more about various subjects, and allow that person to be the decision maker. We must take turns deferring to each other, and letting go as needed.

If our marriage could be likened to a bird, then each wing represents each spouse. If one wing is always stronger, the bird would simply go around in circles and the marriage would not take off. However, if both wings were equally and fully developed, then the bird could easily fly to wonderful heights.

How have you developed the virtue of flexibility in your life?

To make an appointment with Tabasom, please call 604.889.3635. She provides counselling in person, over the phone, Skype and FaceTime.

By Tabasom Eblaghie,
Registered Clinical Counsellor

“Love gives life to the lifeless. Love lights a flame in the heart that is cold. Love brings hope to the hopeless and gladdens the hearts of the sorrowful.” ~‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Part of maintaining a respectful, friendship-based relationship includes ensuring that you know HOW to express love for each other and do it well. If you are having doubts whether your partner loves you, or your partner is uncertain about your feelings, your relationship begins to feel very insecure. The more you use loving words and practice loving actions towards each other, the more your feelings of love will grow.

Knowing how to express one’s love is more than just saying the words ‘I love you’, even though this may be a part of it.

One of our most basic needs is the need to be loved. It is essential to our emotional health.

Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist, has written:

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehaviour of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank.”

When one’s love tank is on empty, you may see ‘misbehaviour’ as a misguided search for the love one doesn’t feel.

The need to be loved is at the heart of one’s relationship desires. The most cruel of all punishments is solitary confinement – isolation is devastating to our mental and overall well being.

What happens when our emotional love tank’s gauge is on empty? Running your marriage on an empty love tank is destructive to the marriage, and to your own well-being. This can happen even though we express our love, but our partner speaks a different love language!

What is your Love Language? Gary Chapman has summarized the five love languages as follows:

LOVE LANGUAGE #1 – WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

• Using words that build up the other person;
• Verbal compliments & words of appreciation;
• Praise
• Encouraging language – words that inspire courage;
• Noticing and appreciating the other’s positive actions and qualities
• Focuses on what we are saying.

LOVE LANGUAGE #2 – QUALITY TIME

• Being available
• Doing something enjoyable and interactive together
• Giving someone our undivided, uninterrupted and focused attention
• Togetherness
• Quality conversation – focuses on what we’re hearing.
• Creating memorable moments
• Self revealing intimacy

LOVE LANGUAGE # 3 – GIFTS

• Tangible objects freely offered
• Visual symbols of love: “I was thinking of you”.
• Gifts of any shape, colour, size or price
• Visual symbols of love with no strings attached or to cover up a failure
• They are given any time and not just on special occasions
• Easiest of all love language.

LOVE LANGUAGE # 4 – ACTS OF SERVICE

• Willingly doing things for others in order to show our love;
• Welcome helpfulness
• Timely and positive response to requests (not demands) of the other
• Acts of kindness
• Done with a loving attitude (not fear, guilt or resentment)
• Acts that reflect equality and partnership
• Requires thought, planning, time, effort and energy.

LOVE LANGUAGE # 5 – PHYSICAL TOUCH

• Fundamental to the development of our brain – children who are held, hugged and kissed develop healthier emotional life;
• Holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling all forms of this love language;
• Loving (never abusive) physical contact at appropriate times and places
• Tender hugs, touches or pats on the arm, shoulder and back
• Physical touch can communicate hate or love
• Sexual relationship
• Holding while crying and comforting
• Very important in times of crisis.

Three ways to discover your own primary love language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.

2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.

3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?

To determine someone else’s love language, Chapman recommends:

• Observing their expressions, complaints and requests
• Asking questions
• Experimenting with offering each love language to a partner, friend or relative and observing their responses.

We must learn how to speak our partner’s/friend’s love language in order for them to feel loved – sometimes loving them the way WE want to be loved, produces less than ideal results! Communication is key here! Have a heart to heart conversation with what makes each of you feel MOST loved – and then do it!

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If you’d like to book an appointment, please feel free to call me, Tabasom, at 604-889-3635 and I’d be happy to discuss whether counselling would be appropriate for the issues you are facing today.

By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor

We all love our morning cup of coffee. It’s a source of relaxation for many, and a very stimulating way to start our day! However, here are 3 good reasons to cut back on caffeine if you have been feeling down or over-stimulated lately:

1) Caffeine stimulates our stress response: it increases heart rate, blood pressure, brings on tremors/jittery feeling, and may produce shallow breathing increasing feelings of irritability and anxiety. The LAST thing you need if you’ve been living with anxiety or anger is a more active stress response system!

2) It is an addictive drug. Heavy users can become psychologically dependent on it and need to consume more and more in order to get the same buzz. If enough is not consumed, then withdrawal symptoms can appear, including headaches, difficulty concentrating, irritability, anger and sleepiness.

3) If you’ve felt depressed lately, caffeine, by increasing anxiety, can also increase the symptoms of depression.

Caffeine is also hidden in many foods under the name “GUARANA”, like energy drinks, so be on the watch for it.

How much caffeine does it take to become addicted? The numbers vary, but on average if we consume 450mg or more per day, we’re well on our way. Researchers are now saying that if we are experiencing anxiety or depression 0-200mg of caffeine is the maximum amount we should be consuming until symptoms subside. What does that look like?

Home brewed coffee:
Drip: Medium (12 oz) 300mg – (p.s. a large mug can be 400-500mg!)
Instant: Medium (12 oz) 160 mg

Starbucks brewed coffee:
Tall (12oz) : 260 mg Grande (16oz): 330 mg Venti (20oz): 415mg

Starbucks Americano:
Tall: 150 mg Grande: 225mg Venti: 300mg

Starbucks Latte:
Tall: 75 mg Grande: 150mg Venti: 150 mg

Tim Horton’s:
Medium: 100mg Large: 140mg Extra Large: 200mg

Black Tea:
5 min steep: Medium (12oz) 140 mg
3 min steep: Medium (12oz) 80 mg

Green Tea:
Small (8 oz): 25 mg

Regular or Diet Cola:
One can: 45 mg

Hot cocoa:
Small (8 oz) 15 mg

If you’re drinking a lot of caffeinated beverages and would like to reduce, start slowly. Go from 6 cups down to 5, 4, and gradually work your way down to none. Stay at each level for about five to six days to allow your body to adjust. Replace coffee with as much herbal tea as you’d like. You may find that replacing coffee with green tea in the morning will eventually help you feel more energized overall!

By Tabasom Eblaghie,
Registered Clinical Counsellor

I’ve often noticed that when I am in an over-functioning mode, there is an interesting outcome as a result – I under-think. Under-thinking about life, our health, and self-care often leads to a state of BURNOUT, fatigue and exhaustion. Pretty typical in most lives these days right?

The reverse can also happen, which is under-functioning. When we are not functioning at the level we were meant to, we start to over-think. As you’ve probably heard, “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop”. We may start to allow vain imaginations to take over, become judgmental of everything in our lives, & negative thoughts run rampant. Fear often rears its ugly head – about ourselves and life’s challenges. Under-functioning then leads to over-thinking, which leads to PARALYSIS – we just don’t want to do anything!

Are you functioning at an optimal level? Did you have a moment in life when you were at your best physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually?

If you’re at that stage today, please call me to see if counselling would help bring balance back into your life. Call today at 604-889-3635.

By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
www.generatehope.ca

“I’m a good girl I am!” Most of us were raised to be nice people, which meant never saying what you wanted, or never saying no or perhaps voicing an opinion different from those around you. Especially as a woman, assertiveness is sometimes confused with being aggressive.

Assertiveness is more than just being able to have a voice for your thoughts and emotions. It is a set of communication skills that gives permission for others to respect you, and for you to care and respect for yourself. When the time is right, you can say what you want and have a great feeling that you did so.

Assertiveness is NOT who you ARE – it is what you DO. In reality, it is a skill and not a personality trait. At times we may have to be passive (for e.g. I may not want to practice assertiveness with someone who is in a state of rage!), and sometimes we may have to be aggressive if our rights are being violated.

Assertiveness really starts with knowing and believing that we have RIGHTS. If you are facing a challenging situation with someone in your life, please examine the list below, and place a check mark next to those you feel you are confidently practicing in your life with that individual:

1) I have the right to ask for what I want;

2) I have the right to say no to demands I can’t meet;

3) I have the right to speak my mind and to express my feelings and thoughts;

4) I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect;

5) I have the right to follow my values and standards;

6) I have the right to determine my own priorities;

7) I have the right NOT to be responsible for others’ actions, problems or behaviours (of course, we’re talking about other adults in your life, and not one’s children): I am responsible for my own behaviour;

8 ) I have the right to say “I don’t know”;

9) I have the right to live in a non-abusive environment;

10) I have to right to be happy.

These are only some of our basic rights. Which ones are important to you? Which ones can you adopt into your life today to help you with the problematic situation at hand?

An interesting conclusion I had to come to, was that the OTHER person in the problematic situation ALSO has these rights. They have the right to speak up and say ANYTHING they want to whomever they please. That’s their right! We can’t control others and try to force our own values onto them. We’re only responsible for how WE respond to the situation.

How I respond then is my right, and my CHOICE. This then gives us the freedom to only focus on our own selves, and development of our own character and let go of how we think others should be behaving, feeling and responding.

If there is a problematic situation in your life, perhaps it may help to speak with a counsellor to find out the best way to speak up and create a win-win situation. Call Tabasom today at 604.889.3635 to book your private session.

By Tabasom Eblaghie,
Registered Clinical Counsellor
www.generatehope.ca

Anxiety often visits us when things feel like they’re getting out of control.

There are three things we usually try to exert our control over:

1) The situation,
2) The people in our lives,
3) Ourselves.

When many things happen that are beyond our control such as death of a loved one, illness, loss of a relationship or any other significant change in life, which was not of our own choosing, anxiety may come to visit.

Anxiety tells us that we can’t handle the situation. It creates worst-case scenarios, and paints images of failure and loss. It slowly robs us of our courage and strength, and makes us forget about our resilience and moments when we stood tall and proud.

During these moments, there are things one can do:

1) Acknowledge that anxiety exists. Thank it for visiting, without judging “it” (the anxiety) or yourself – it is there, and its presence has been noted;

2) Close your eyes and switch your thought process – remind yourself of three things you are most grateful for today: perhaps the smile on the face of a loved one, a hug from a good friend, a smooth drive to work, a beautiful blue sky, etc;

3) Take yourself to a moment in time when you felt good about what was going on in your life. Were you strong? Courageous? Healthy? Powerful? Come up with three statements about who you truly are, OR would like to be such as “I’m strong”, “I’m healthy”, “I’m powerful”;

4) Take a deep breath into your stomach for a count of four – you should see your stomach protruding and your chest cavity staying still. Hold that breath for a count of four, and then with a slow hissing sound, hiss out the breath for a count of four. With every intake of breath say one of the statements from above – i.e. as you inhale, repeat “I’m strong” – hold that thought, and then hiss out any negative energy, anxiety and fear. Repeat this for as many times as you need with all three statements, until you feel more calm and relaxed.

Anxiety is simply an emotion that visits you. It does not live in you, and is not a part of you. Watch it come and go, as you would watch a small bird flying in and landing on your windowsill. Watch it land, and then watch it fly away.

You are in charge. Allow gratitude and the soft inhale of breath to calm you down, and remind you once again of all of your amazing qualities and talents.

If you’d like more information and tools for dealing with the negative voice of anxiety, please call me at 604-889-3635 to see whether counselling would be the right choice for you at this point in your life. I look forward to speaking with you!

By Tabasom Eblaghie

I read somewhere that “Hurt people, hurt people”.

I don’t believe it.

I think when we are hurt by someone we care about, a “friend” enters our lives.

That friend’s name is “Anger”.

It stands next to us in our assessment of the situation, and plays the role of advocate in our lives. It gently pushes us towards either withdrawing from the person who has hurt us, or gives us standing ovations in our moments of aggression.

Anger tells us that with its help, we have a VOICE. We have control. It protects us from further pain by telling us what to do. Up to a point, it guides us in the right direction so we are no longer treated like doormats. It can definitely be a friend to us in certain circumstances. But not all. And then….

One day…it turns on us. And becomes the enemy.

Anger is great at being in charge. We no longer have the story telling rights to the stories that are being repeated, because Anger is now the author.

This telling and re-telling of the stories by the voice of Anger shapes and starts to create us. It digs its claws into us and makes us tell stories from 5, 10 or 15 years ago. It enjoys our suffering, and the victim stance it has created for us. So do hurt people, hurt people? NO! Anger pushes hurt people to hurt people. And in doing so, the person who gets hurt the most, is the person living with Anger. The problem is Anger’s visits, and its influence in our lives.

Is there something else that we could do? Perhaps.

When Anger enters our lives, we have the choice to turn towards “Gratitude”, our gentle and calming friend.

When Anger invites the “old” stories in, you can turn away from its ice cold clutch, and focus on ONE thing that you are grateful for:

Who do you love? Who makes you smile? Is there a little boy or girl in your life who makes your heart sing? A pet? A moment in your life, which still shines bright like a full moon? What day would you like to re-live? What vacation spot still tugs at your heartstrings? What makes you wide-eyed with wonder?

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath into your belly. Bring that person, moment, thing, or picture forward – hold them close to you. Remember your loved one’s eyes, their laughter, how they held you and allow that love to form a barrier between you and Anger.

Bring back the sense of contentment, peace and fulfillment you felt at that special moment, and the sense of Gratitude you felt for having experienced it.

Then slowly exhale. With each breath, imagine melting away the frosty grip of Anger’s hate. With every inhale, breathe in the beauty and love of Gratitude.

It’s old stuff. Let it go.

1. Grief and mourning are the same experience: false!

Grief is the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within oneself upon the death of someone loved: grief is the INTERNAL meaning we give to the experience of losing a loved one.

Mourning is the ACTION of expressing and sharing one’s grief outside of oneself. When you express your grief, you are mourning. The specific ways in which people express their mourning are influenced by customs of their culture, religion, background and value system.

2. There is a predictable and orderly stage like progression to the experience of mourning: false!

There is no prescription as to how one should grieve. Different people mourn in different ways. Expecting anything less would be to demonstrate a lack of respect for the uniqueness of that individual, and for their experience.

3. It is best to move away from grief instead of toward it: false!

Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. In our society it is expected for the mourner to be strong, suffer in silence and refuse to allow tears. It is only through the process of moving towards pain that we move toward eventual healing.

4. Following the death of someone significant to you, the goal is to “get over” your grief: false!

You don’t get over your grief. Everyone is changed by the experience of grief. Slowly and over time, a person works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the loved one who is now gone. Through reconciliation, there occurs a new found energy and confidence, an acknowledgement of the reality of the death, and the capacity to once again find pleasure in living.

5. Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness: false!

Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows one to communicate a need to be comforted. The expression of tears is not a sign of weakness. The capacity of the mourner to share tears is an indication of the willingness to do the “work of mourning”.

If you are in a state of grief, its ok to respect the emotions that come along with it such as anger, sadness or even a sense of relief or joy. They are just emotions and they will pass. Living life one day at a time, one hour at a time or sometimes one minute at a time is all one can do.

If you are a friend of someone who is grieving, the best thing you can do is allow them to experience their grief in their own individual manner, and not to push them to “get over it”. It will happen.

Slowly but surely.

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If you’ve had a loved one pass away and need to talk to someone outside of your family and circle of friends, please call me to discuss whether you would benefit from counselling at this point in your life. I can be reached at (604) 889-3635.

By Tabasom Eblaghie

My name is Forgiveness

I walk with you during times of pain, sadness and hurt.

I am often ignored in a world where dominance is key, where being right is more important than being loved.

I am frequently mistaken for weakness, or a friend chosen by the small and the frail.

My greatest enemy is Resentment, who enters your life as a defender against hurtful actions and words.

Resentment whispers its reasons for staying strong and alive in your life, and cunningly smiles at me as it watches you dismiss me time and time again.

It artfully enters to protect and offers its shelter from a hurtful world.

But this shelter comes at a price.

It becomes a prison of hate, idle fancies and vain imaginations that border on little truth.

Its iron grip becomes stronger with the telling and re-telling of the hurt.

Freedom.

I hold the key to your emancipation, and am a mighty force to be reckoned with.

My goal for you is liberty and independence from the iron fist of Resentment, and the isolation it inevitably brings into your life.

Enter my land. Hold my hand and you will feel my power and strength course through your veins, your life, your soul.

You will find me standing mighty with my friends Compassion, Patience and Kindness. Find solace in us.

We will fill your heart with Love, and arm you with Bravery and Courage.

We will teach you to look towards the Creator, who knows, trains and provides for all.

We will teach you to let go and move forward with a graceful step, and a radiant heart.

Come with us.

Today. What are you waiting for?

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If you’ve been having a hard time forgiving someone or forgiving yourself, perhaps now is the time to look into how you can go about freeing yourself from the chains of anger and resentment. Please call me today at 604.889.3635 to discuss if counselling could help the healing process.