By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
www.generatehope.ca
“I’m a good girl I am!” Most of us were raised to be nice people, which meant never saying what you wanted, or never saying no or perhaps voicing an opinion different from those around you. Especially as a woman, assertiveness is sometimes confused with being aggressive.
Assertiveness is more than just being able to have a voice for your thoughts and emotions. It is a set of communication skills that gives permission for others to respect you, and for you to care and respect for yourself. When the time is right, you can say what you want and have a great feeling that you did so.
Assertiveness is NOT who you ARE – it is what you DO. In reality, it is a skill and not a personality trait. At times we may have to be passive (for e.g. I may not want to practice assertiveness with someone who is in a state of rage!), and sometimes we may have to be aggressive if our rights are being violated.
Assertiveness really starts with knowing and believing that we have RIGHTS. If you are facing a challenging situation with someone in your life, please examine the list below, and place a check mark next to those you feel you are confidently practicing in your life with that individual:
1) I have the right to ask for what I want;
2) I have the right to say no to demands I can’t meet;
3) I have the right to speak my mind and to express my feelings and thoughts;
4) I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect;
5) I have the right to follow my values and standards;
6) I have the right to determine my own priorities;
7) I have the right NOT to be responsible for others’ actions, problems or behaviours (of course, we’re talking about other adults in your life, and not one’s children): I am responsible for my own behaviour;
8 ) I have the right to say “I don’t know”;
9) I have the right to live in a non-abusive environment;
10) I have to right to be happy.
These are only some of our basic rights. Which ones are important to you? Which ones can you adopt into your life today to help you with the problematic situation at hand?
An interesting conclusion I had to come to, was that the OTHER person in the problematic situation ALSO has these rights. They have the right to speak up and say ANYTHING they want to whomever they please. That’s their right! We can’t control others and try to force our own values onto them. We’re only responsible for how WE respond to the situation.
How I respond then is my right, and my CHOICE. This then gives us the freedom to only focus on our own selves, and development of our own character and let go of how we think others should be behaving, feeling and responding.
If there is a problematic situation in your life, perhaps it may help to speak with a counsellor to find out the best way to speak up and create a win-win situation. Call Tabasom today at 604.889.3635 to book your private session.
