By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
When a thought occurs to us, it is generally not our ONLY thought. Underlying our automatic thinking are so many other beliefs, assumptions, cultural and religious values, and family of origin beliefs.
When a thought visits us , which brings about strong emotions, it’s worthwhile to stop and assess it – in detail! So let’s say we have this thought:
1) “He made a mess of the kitchen…AGAIN!”
To assess it, we could ask: ‘What’s the worst part about that?’
2) “He just doesn’t respect me!” What does that indicate to us?
3) “He is not listening!” What would be the worst part of that?
4) “He doesn’t care about my opinion.” Maybe, maybe not. What’s the worst part about that?
5) “He doesn’t see me as an equal. I want to be respected.” And? What’s the WORST part about not being respected?
6) “It means he doesn’t love me. I feel SO unloved.”
As human beings, we need to feel loved, understood and have that sense of belonging in order to thrive and grow. We may feel an overwhelming sense of sadness when a snowball of negative thoughts occur in a split second, most times beyond our awareness. But what led to this sense of sadness? A messy kitchen counter produced this feeling through our INTERPRETATION of the event.
There are assumptions above that may not be working any more: ‘A messy kitchen indicates he’s not listening’;’ he must clean as soon as he’s done’; ‘our home must be clean at all times’; ‘it’s because of me and my lack of influence that he doesn’t listen’.
There may also be some core beliefs underlying the above: ‘I’m unloveable’; ‘I’m powerless’; ‘Relationships never work out for me’.
As we begin to uncover our mistaken beliefs, OTHER possible & more positive interpretations could come to us:
a) He didn’t clean because he had a tough day at work;
b) He will do it later;
c) If I clean, I do it for ME. A clean counter may not be as important to him as it is to me.
As for those core beliefs:
a) I am loveable, because…
b) I do have influence in this relationship, because…
c) We’re working on things one day at a time.
Often, the thing we’re most afraid of is NOT true, and hasn’t ever happened. Making friends with our inner voice requires practice and vigilance.
If you’ve noticed an increase in your negative thoughts, please call to discuss whether counselling would be an effective means of developing a kinder, gentler inner voice. Please call Tabasom at 604-889-3635 today!
