By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
One of the most common emotions visits many people is Anger. Anger enters as a means to defend one’s rights, or protect one’s family or property. It is usually strongest when there is injustice or that sense of “This is so unfair!”
As a society, we are truly not that adept at dealing with anger. We tell children not to get angry, or we console a loved one with the words, “That’s nothing to get angry at!” but offer no strategies as how to actually manage it. Anger remains, and then is joined by Guilt, Shame and then perhaps snowballs into Rage.
There is a misconception that Anger should be released – we should lash out with words or fists and put the person in their place! This will ease the pressure we feel and bring justice back into the situation.
The popular idea that anger NEEDS to be discharge is an idea that needs to be discussed. This clearly doesn’t work with other emotions: does focusing on Sadness make us happy? Does declaring our Love for someone make our love end? Does living in a state of being filled with Guilt and Shame make us feel less ashamed and guilty? In all of these cases, its clear that whatever emotion we focus on simply GROWS and strengthens that emotion.
Research is really not clear that the LOUD discharge of anger releases it or causes it to fade. In fact, acting angry just seems to magnify and also increase in frequency!
Here are some ways to manage the anger:
1. Take time out! Anger can visit when there is a complicated web of thinking and causes the side of your brain that deals with logic to shut down, and the emotional brain to become even more powerful! Go for a walk in order to constructively burn off some of the excess energy and stress, and gain a better perspective and handle on the situation.
2. BREATHE! When Anger visits, the stress response is switched on and deep breathing using muscles of the diaphragm (you should see your stomach stick out with every inhale) can calm it down. Breathe in for a count of four, hold the breath for a count of four, and then HISS the breath out for a count of four. Do this five times, or more if needed.
3. Become aware of your thoughts as you experience Anger. Is Anger visiting you because there are unmet expectations? What are the SHOULDS that have been violated? Write down these expectations, and determine which ones are realistic vs. unrealistic.
4. Ask yourself “What I am REALLY angry about?” Focus on the event and not the fantasy that may have been created by unrealistic expectations, or past history with the individual or situation you are dealing with.
5. Cope. When you feel a bit calmer, decide on a line of action: e.g. do you need to discuss the issue, take a stand or clarify your position? Decide what really needs to be done about the situation at hand and then do it.
The goal here is to MANAGE the anger so that you can proceed to deal with the situation with a clear head. We all feel Anger – learning to manage it mindfully and diplomatically can assist in creating healthier relationships with family, friends and co-workers.