By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Generate Hope Counselling Services

Adapted from the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman

LOVE:

Part of maintaining a friendship-based relationship includes ensuring that you know how to express love for each other and do it well. If you are having doubts whether your partner loves you, or your partner is uncertain about your feelings, your relationship begins to feel very insecure. The more you use loving words and practice loving actions towards each other, the more your feelings of love will grow. One of our most basic needs is the need to be loved. It is essential to our emotional health.

Knowing how to express one’s love is more than just saying the words ‘I love you’, even though this may be a part of it.

Gary Chapman quotes Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist:

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehaviour of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank.”

This can also be applied to adults. When one’s love tank is on empty, you may see ‘misbehaviour’ as a misguided search for the love one doesn’t feel.

The need to be loved is at the heart of one’s relationship desires. The most cruel of all punishments is solitary confinement – isolation is devastating to our mental and overall well-being.

In the Sacred Scriptures of many religions it is written that man and woman, upon marriage, become as one. In a loving relationship, which is founded on justice, equality and unity, marriage becomes that fortress of well-being.

What happens when our emotional love tank’s gauge is on empty? Running your marriage on an empty love tank is destructive to the marriage, and to your own well-being.

Gary Chapman has identified FIVE DIFFERENT ways of showing our love, or the Five Love Languages. We express our love in a variety of ways and if we don’t receive love in the language which we speak, then we may end up feeling unloved. In order for our partner to feel loved, we must learn to speak THEIR love language or our efforts will be wasted. To determine your love language and that of your partner’s, look at the following list and answer the questions that follow:

LOVE LANGUAGE #1 – WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Using words that build up the other person;
Verbal compliments & words of appreciation;
Praise
Encouraging language – words that inspire courage;
Noticing and appreciating the other’s positive actions and qualities
Focuses on what we are saying.

LOVE LANGUAGE #2 – QUALITY TIME

Being available
Doing something enjoyable and interactive together
Giving someone our undivided, uninterrupted and focused attention
Togetherness
Quality conversation – focuses on what we’re hearing.
Creating memorable moments
Self revealing intimacy

LOVE LANGUAGE # 3 – GIFTS

Tangible objects freely offered
Visual symbols of love: “I was thinking of you”.
Gifts of any shape, colour, size or price
Visual symbols of love with no strings attached or to cover up a failure
They are given any time and not just on special occasions
Easiest of all love language.

LOVE LANGUAGE # 4 – ACTS OF SERVICE

Willingly doing things for others in order to show our love;
Welcome helpfulness
Timely and positive response to requests (not demands) of the other
Acts of kindness
Done with a loving attitude (not fear, guilt or resentment)
Acts that reflect equality and partnership
Requires thought, planning, time, effort and energy.

LOVE LANGUAGE # 5 – PHYSICAL TOUCH

Fundamental to the development of our brain – children who are held, hugged and kissed develop healthier emotional life;
Holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling all forms of this love language;
Loving (never abusive) physical contact at appropriate times and places
Tender hugs, touches or pats on the arm, shoulder and back
Physical touch can communicate hate or love
Sexual relationship
Holding while crying and comforting
Very important in times of crisis.

Three ways to discover your own primary love language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.

2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.

3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?

To determine someone else’s love language, Chapman recommends:

Observing their expressions, complaints and requests
Asking questions
Experimenting with offering each love language to a partner, friend or relative and observing their responses.

Feeling loved is at the core of a loving relationship. Often arguments, irritation at our partner or anger arises when we feel unloved and unheard. If you have been experiencing these issues in your relationship, perhaps its time to seek counselling before its too late.

To make an appointment for couples counselling with Tabasom, please call (604)889-3635.

By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Generate Hope Counselling Services

Self confidence is an issue that many individuals struggle with. I love the following definition of what confidence is which I found through the “Virtues Project” cards by Linda Kavelin Popov, who is also the author of The Family Virtues Guide:

Confidence is having faith in ourselves and in life. We feel capable and competent. We trust that we have the strength to cope with whatever happens. Confidence helps us to be free of worry. When we are confident in others, we believe in them and rely on them. We build self-confidence as we learn from our mistakes and improve for the better. Confidence brings the strength to try new things, to gain mastery through practice. With confidence, we can off self-limiting beliefs and doubts. We offer our gifts as a worthy contribution. When opportunity comes, we step up to it. We just say “yes”.
~ The Virtues Project

Philosophers and great writers of our time have contemplated this issue and below are some of my favourite quotes on the subject:

“Only a person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.”
~ Erich Fromm

~ I have the strength to face what life brings me ~

“Man has two powers, and his development two aspects. One power is connected with the material world and by it he is capable of material advancement. The other power is spiritual and through its development his inner, potential nature is awakened. These powers are like two wings. Both must be developed, for flight is impossible with one wing.”
~ ‘Abdu’l-Baha

“A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.”
~ David Brinkley

~ I act with self-assurance ~

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t – you are right.”
~ Henry Ford

“I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn’t fall down.”
~Allen H. Neuharth

~ I treat others as trustworthy ~

“If you put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.”
~ Author Unknown

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.”
~ Sally Field

~ I bless my mistakes and learn from them ~

“People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet.”
~ Sa’Di

“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.”
~ Veronica A. Shoffstall

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~ African Proverb

“The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.”
~ Author Unknown

~ I patiently practice until I master something ~

“Do not, therefore, throw away your confidence, for it carries a great reward.”
~ Hebrews, 10:35

~ I fully express my talents and ideas ~

“To live is to choose. But to choose, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go, and why you want to get there.”
~ Kofi Annan

“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.”
~ Confucious

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
~ Thomas Edison

“If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

~ I maintain a positive attitude ~

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”
~ Lao Tzu